September 20 2000
Only in an open hand can serendipity truly be grasped. Fingers spread wide apart to feel the trickle of every blessed drop of magic; they are the roots of the tree of bliss.
August 30 2000
I feel the echoing visions of a million falls rustling silently through glass. I fear the wandering memories that I have not yet realized in this life. My fate is set before me in every word of every page; every picture too. Watching myself from the past tense, knowing when I am in an infinite continuum of my fate. I see the warm drifting breezes and feel so trapped, my fear I know not the motive of. I want to curl up and die outside and hide from my future that has already happened fifty years ago. He glares at me in the pages like I glare at my past in the mirror of my eyes. I cry and don't even remember what it's like to know what has made me distraught. I cry for the death of me and my innocence that has been burried fourty five years. Why can't I even feel my memories that should so violently shatter my concentration with convulsions of pain. I am so mechanical it hurts. The warmth is all I can feel from my past and it gives me chills. The sky and my world passes over me as an echo-I have lived this existence before. My past is an inverted reverberation of eminent fate to come. I am chilled by the icy past I am born from. My fate has been set out for me by myself. And sometimes all I want to do is to hide away from the world.
September 20 2000
In life, many people change completely-sometimes a full, lengthy metamorphosis, sometimes instantaneously evolving. But what they change to is the true sign of if evolution has occured. For some, the change may occur from one or many great events and mold them into the product of circumstance. I have changed the world around me, allowing it to mold upon the new landscape of my mind. For me, it has been an awakening-waking up to new consciousness-waking up to myself. Who I was born destined to be.
It is only upon surrendering to motion and emotion that then you will discover and awaken spontineity which can only give rise to brilliance. If you release your imaginary stronghold on reality and control over it-for there is no control supreme-and simply collapse upon yourself, the wonders of life will flow through you as a stream of consciousness.
November 8 2000
In acting you must realize that all of society's notions of right and wrong, not only morally, but even in propper expression, must be discarded. When performing you must deny nothing-that you see, feel, hear, taste or believe. If you are moved by a fellow actor's lines differently than how you rehearsed, go with what you are feeling in that wake of what has been said. Do not think about the correctness of your emotion in relation to the scene, simply run with it. The line delievered moments ago to you obviously was done in such a way, the only way, that elicited whatever it is you are feeling. The audience saw this so they will understand your delivery. For the play is not bits and pieces, but a grand painting they absorb. Hence if you let yourself flow with the common stream of consciousness that is passing through all the actors( if they're in touch with everyone) you will help to further and empower the whole scene with your synchronicity to the truth of the scene. Above all you must surrender all your pretenses, preconceived notions, and inhibitions about the scene and your character, to the truth of the moment that exists in waiting in front of you. If you force yourself to feel as you think the character feels not only will you stray further from an honest performance, but you will even be unable to produce those preconceived feelings you have stamped out your character with-hence failing in every aspect, true and contrived, and all doors of opportunity will disappear to you. This is becuase you have already closed these doors the moment you stopped your performance(in the micro second) to question your current and upcoming emotions. The delivery of those lines, in that state, only deadbolts the shut doors. You may be thinking " how dare I be feeling this when 'that' is how I think I am supposed to feel in this moment". I say how dare you question what you are feeling, you have already felt it-you can't change that-and if you try not to think of or feel it again, what will you mind do but lock itself into feeling only that. Because you feel you have done wrong, and guilt causes you to dwell only on what you feel was a mistake. The only reason you feel this way is because society has brainwashed you with overbearing notions of conformity and you feel ill when you break loose from that mold. And you, a devoted actor trying to endow your character onstage with that blissful touch of reality are subject to feeling guilt when you stray from the beaten path inside the play. Because for an actor, your scene is your world and reality for however long you are onstage. Hence all of society's shackles imprison onstage as they do off.
First, conformity will only lead you to a life wasted! Second, no emotion you feel is wrong; it has been summonded by some force-exterior or interior. Third, guilt has no place onstage-it will only hinder you. The path to greatness is the road less traveled and often filled with thorns not yellow bricks. By this I mean that finding yourself and your brilliance in the moment can be a painfull process. Because you will have to struggle free of all that society has taught you about self control and throw caution to the wind. And this can be a difficult endeavor. It is an act of both defiance and loyalty. Defiance against society's iron fisted, hypocritical values. Loyalty to yourself and your feelings. The only true way I can see to be true to a scene and yourself: To wrecklessly abandon everything that feels safe, secure, and controlled. To ignore all moral obligations you may hold upon yourself in regards to expression, your most inner thoughts, and inhibitions surrounding this world's false code of conduct. You must explode out of every moment with truth, never being affraid to look foolish or to throw others and yourself offgaurd. Even the most subtle and inwardly intricate moments must be full, not void, of power and passion. For when you view such scenes do you not stir in your seat with excitement and fear from what the actor is exuding form their very being. The quirkiest feeling your may get at any moment is what you must run with, not away from. Do not waste your time trying to justify a line with an emotion. That will be a contrived emotion you find and a death sentence for the scene and your performance. Whatever feeling comes, be in it and live it out. Likewise, do not try to justify the feeling you are having in a scene with anyone or yourself-that will only make it go stale. Simply let yourself be a flowing stream of consciousness harboring everyting that comes naturally and passing and carrying it one to its undetermined destination.
November 11 2000
E-motion: To move from or outward to. Furtherence to a higher state of being. To be in an emotion is to be whole and pure. To fear an emotion is to deny it and it's very purpose. This purpose is furtherence-progress to a higher state through self realization by letting every aspect of yourself engulf you. The only pain in life is from a denied and hence blocked emotion. The emotion itself feels not painful but beautiful and moving. The pain is the hinderance of the stream of consciousness; shutting all doors to the higher state achievable through the acknoledgement of one's self and all they are
January 14 2001
Artists: We are an interesting breed. All true artists understand an infinite world of knowledge just from what I've said. You see, we are blessed and doomed to exist in a wonderful dichotomy and duality with reality. We in one sense crave the acceptance of society for it funds our high profile lifestyle via ticket sales. However,we despise conformity and all it's whims. We are pure-creating from nothgin(the void) a life altering piece of work that is nothing more than compulsion for us. Truly-art is obsession, compulsion. Perfectionism and entropy. It must be exactly right without being "inside the lines"-or anywhere near them. It is to be a momentary conductor of pure energy and creation-only to pass it on to the world. We are filthy and vain. Snobs and kindly. Pompous and pure. Elitests and beggars. And I am insane.
January 16 2001
Acting is the only way I may express, truly, the full extent of my neuroses-hence finding some identity. To become consumed in a world that is one identity after another has always been the only natural course for me. It was destiny forced to definite fate by a shattering enterance into life. By this I instantaneously evolved past separate linear human emotion, into an infinite stream of emotional consciousness that may be tapped and drawn from-and must be-in every aspect of my life. I have no actual identity; only a core of emotions and a common manifestation I parade daily. I, in metaphorical essence, am a man without a face. I put a mask on every time I interact with others and thus it is only natural and essential that life be dependant, for me, on continuing this route of expression in a craft that is a manifestation of a mental state such as mine. When I remove my mask I am nothing to the world for I am not in it. I have inverted back into my core and rejoined my ocean of consciousness. Unidentifiable as or by any one trait because I am all of them at once. Unbounded Synchronicity.